Interpretations on the mind of the Introverted and Dirty Rich

A Necessity for Manliness: BEARDS

2012-02-04T23:57:00.000-08:00

I want to make a small dedication to something that is fairly important to me. I won't ramble on today, I promise. In fact, I plan to say simply that I love myself a good beard. Two days ago I was approached by a guy in my my class who I have never ever noticed before in my life. He only said a couple simple sentences, but I didn't really hear them because I was so focused on the confusion spinning in my brain about how I had ever missed him before. In my mental revelry, I succeeded at concluding that my newly developed consciousness, which now included this man, was the result of his exceptional new beard, created by his face. I went kinda weak in the knees for a second and then successfully responded wittily to his comment, then pretended I didn't like him, you know, like I do with guys that I actually like. Yes, I continue to give myself a hard time in life.

Here's a small dedication for those who are with me on this. A good beard is necessary to support manliness. How ever am I to live in my cozy cabin in the woods if I can't have a lumberjack, flannel donned, cliff diving, canoe rowing, jeep driving, banjo loving, fire stoking, bearded fellow to live there with me? Here are a few good ones:

A glowering, grizzled, cheroot chewing Clint Eastwood. Marry me.

The smoke adds to his mystery.

No, but seriously. You can't be a ranger without a beard. Or my lover.

"What say you of my beard, my good man? Say what? It's perfect? Ah, just as I thought."

I want to hang out with this person so badly it hurts.

Must be well groomed. Out of control beards are just out of control.

I bet he's a pilot. And a sled dog driver.

Okay. Him and me. Forever.

P.S. Goatees are not beards. Don't even go down that road.

Careful thoughts

2012-01-28T15:04:00.000-08:00

I love the way I act when I feel sad. It makes me more aware of myself, and the people around me. I treat other people the way they want to be treated-- with understanding, and love. I wish I was like this more often. Two weeks ago I felt humbled by some experiences I had in Tennessee. This week I feel sad-- about a lot of things.
So many of my posts on here are sad posts. For me, writing is catharsis. Some people have told me my writing is cathartic for them too. I think that's one of the most important reasons people write, for healing purposes. People either read for entertainment, to learn, or to feel like someone understands them, like someone is going through the same emotions they are.

Sometimes I hate that I can't be specific in this blog. I never know who's reading it-- and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm writing about them. I feel like I have to be so careful with people. They need such a balance of actions. They need to feel like you love and need them, but sometimes they distance themselves when you get too close. Sometimes, when you distance yourself, they become upset and wonder why you're not spending as much time with them anymore. Sometimes they think it's because you're mad at them, or annoyed by them. Sometimes they think it's because they are too clingy, and they're freaking you out. Sometimes they think it's because you don't love them anymore. And maybe you don't. Maybe you don't love them as much as you used to. Maybe something has changed between you without you asking it to. Maybe you still love them, but in a different way, and they can't accept that. Maybe, in the midst of the silence, both of you want to accept the change and mold your relationship according to the change, instead of just giving up and trying to forget all of it. Maybe only one of you wants that. Maybe everyone in the world cares more than they pretend to. Maybe they care less.

The problem is, people are horrible communicators, in general. One is always afraid to say what they're really thinking, or feeling. Usually that one is me. Sometimes it's both people. Mostly me, though. I have always been very careful with my feelings, and as a result of that, careful with my words. I'm always afraid that I'll want to take something back after I say it, or write it, to someone. Even if I'm being completely honest, not holding anything back or covering anything up, I am always afraid I'm going to regret it. So, whenever I have to talk about something emotional, I become rigid, and logical, even though it doesn't make sense to, and my words don't flow like they usually do. Mostly because I am thinking so hard about the consequences of my words. I have come to understand the weight of my words. I can see for miles, miles, miles. So, I am careful.

This post reminds me of a post I wrote last year-- which was basically all about how I liked this guy but couldn't bring myself to say it, or act like it. That didn't work out anyway. This is a little different now, and I've come a long way since then; but, I fear I'll always struggle with the same things. How do I get out of a rut like this? I'm not even sure I'm being clear about what the rut is, but it's clear to me. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Either way, I'm sad this week. I guess I'm okay with that for now.

I feel this. But you can take them as you will.

2012-01-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Christmas: Sorry. Love, the best New Years ever.

2011-12-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

I WILL BE IN TENNESSEE IN 6 DAYS!!!!!

This is literally all I can think about.
Which is sad, because it's Christmas Eve.
But, I'm being literal here.
I never use that many exclamation points for anything.
All I can think about.
I'm excited to meet Joe Rebrovick for the second time after our cross-country 1000 hour conversation.
I'm excited to be in the SAME ROOM as Danielle and Joe and Dan and Bobby and Jamie and Channing and Luke and Mallory and Jessica and Max and Adam.
I'm excited to hang out in a cabin for three days with my favorite people in the world.
I'm excited to snuggle with all of these people at least twice.
I'm excited to eat and make a lot of delicious food.
I'm excited to witness Danielle's SICAR firsthand.
I'm excited to talk to Bobby Nicholson's face.
I'm excited to watch random movies with people.
I'm excited to not care about who has texted me or what has happened on facebook because all the people that I care about are actually with me for once.
I'm excited to not have to hang up the phone.
I'm excited to make my GRS movie, and have it win the GRS contest.
I'm excited to fly into the Nashville airport at 1:15 p.m. and spend the day in that city.
I'm excited to have conversations with Luke.
I'm excited to go to GRS, and be constantly surrounded by the most incredible people in the world for 3 days.
I'm excited to help Ryan Davis de-swell his ego some more. And not only talk to him on electronic devices.
I'm excited to chat with Matt Ross.
I'm excited to talk about everything in the world with Joe, Christian, and Danielle.
I'm excited to sing karaoke in Knoxville.
I'm excited to fly by the seat of my pants, and not care what happens next.
I'm excited for every second of this trip.
I'm excited beyond excited beyond excited.
And the cool thing about all this is that I know I will not be let down. That is the best thing about being a bookkid, and being around bookkids. You are never disappointed because people don't whine, or wait for things to happen. If they want something to happen, they always make it happen. And that's why this is going to be the best two weeks of my life.

So, Christmas, I'm sorry you are being dwarfed by my New Years plans. But, that's just the way it is this year. I still love you.

I like me.

2011-12-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

So,this blog is the most selfish thing ever.

Ofcourse, that's the point. I don't actually write on here to updateanyone, or look clever. I write specifically to figure out what I'mthinking. It's a constant exploration of my mind. Now, ask me why Iput it all on the internets instead of in a journal.

Okay,fine I'll admit it. It's always been incredibly difficult for me totalk about my emotions to people I love. And a lot of people I loveread this blog, so really, this is me telling you things I want to,but can't. I'm not saying I'm doing it for you. It's totally selfish.That way I can just be like "Hey, did you read my blog? Okaysweet." And that's that. Sometimes I think I have the brain of aman. Not a good thing.

Ofcourse, because all you people read this, I have to filter a lot ofthings out, which I'm not a fan of. Actually, confession: one time Imade an anonymous, random blog just so I could say things I felt likeI couldn't say on here. I haven't updated it in over a year, butstill. What is with that? That's me putting my thoughts on theinternet, but just making sure no one I know will ever read it. Idon't know why that satisfies me more than a journal. Weird.

Onething I want all of you to know, no matter how much turmoil it lookslike I go through as I write on here, I really love myself. If Iwasn't me, but I knew me, I'm sure I'd respect me. There are about athousand things that I'm constantly confused about, and endeavoringto change, but I am very proud of the person I have become. I am asensitive, yet have great control over my emotions. I am confident,but willing to change the way I do things if I feel it's right. Iunderstand the people around me, but I'm okay with them changing andgrowing. I don't get defensive often, like I used to. I feel like Ieasily have open discussions, and a willingness to be wrong. I knowhow to get what I want, and what I need. I'm no longer afraid to beopen and honest with people when they show sincere interest. I asksmart questions. I make a great first impression. I know how to lead people effectively. I communicate clearly when there's a problem, and Ifeel like I can solve pretty much any problem that could possiblycome up without freaking out at all. More than anything, I've figuredout how to be happy all the time, and how to bring others up. I'velearned how to control what I can control, and not let the otherthings affect me too much.

I'mnot saying this to brag. I've just come a very very long way, and I'mproud of that. Of course, it's not purely because of me, but I havetried really hard, to become a better communicator especially, and Ithink I've succeeded. I have a long way to go, obviously. Istill slip up sometimes (especially with my family-- where it's easyto revert back to old habits); I'll never be perfect. In fact, I could make a list just as long including all the things about me I wish I wasn't. But I am at theopposite end of where I was 31/2 years ago, even lastyear. I am more at one with myself, and the people aroundme. I'm positively grateful in every way, especially for the peoplethat take the time to know me as I am now, and don't judge me basedon the way I was earlier in my life. It's easy to do, so I reallyappreciate the people in my life who allow change and growth.

Anyways,there ya go. I am finishing up one of the most life changingsemesters of my life tomorrow, where I will take an extremelyintimidating exam, given to me by one of the best professors I'veever taken a class from, about all the Charles Dickens I've read thissemester: about 2700 pages worth. That's about 207 pages a week,folks. Consider me an expert.

The Sun Never Says

2011-12-08T13:37:00.001-08:00

Even

after

all this time

the sun never says to the earth,

"You owe me."

Look

what happens

with a love like that--

it lights the whole

world.

--Hafiz, an Islamic poet

Beautiful truth.

What's in a name?

2011-12-01T14:45:00.001-08:00

That which we call Aragorn by any other name would be as hot.

So, there are really only three really important attributes a man needs for me to be attracted to him:
1) Confidence
2) Masculinity
3) Sincerity

It also helps if he can sing. I go a little weak in the knees for that. Respectable morals should probably also be on there. Once upon a time, the first e-mail address I ever made was "striders_girl57@hotmail.com." Isn't that embarrassingly awesome?? I'm so proud of my twelve year old self. Even at that young age I knew what a real man was, along with 56 other twelve year old girls. Really though, he is the epitome of man. I am going to marry someone like him. I have a lot of friends who do not want to wear the pants in their relationships. They want the man to be in charge, and make the decisions. I don't want to wear the pants, either, even though it might seem like something I'd want. I also don't want to not wear them. I want to be with someone who can tell me what to do sometimes, but also respect what I think and do. I tend to take charge of situations sometimes, when I think I'm more capable than the people around me to get something done. He will have to be someone I trust as much I trust myself. Obviously. I wish Aragorn was real. I'm sure we'd fall in love immediately if he were. Oh well, I guess.

Not an opinion on marijuana legalization.

2011-11-27T11:12:00.001-08:00

It's time to talk about the issues.

Don't think for one second that I would ever talk about world issues. What cool person does that? I mean my issues, duh. Why do you even read this blog?

I could explore ALL my flaws right now for you to read about and revel in. I have many, being an extremely intricate, complex human being-- rather like you. I think it's incredibly beautiful to see how common each human plight is. So many cliches I can relate to.

Anyway, I just want to talk one out right now. It's just that I have a serious problem living in the present. I can think of a very select amount of people that I can be with and just... BE with. Most of the time I am thinking about how I wish I was somewhere else, either in time or in the world. I want to fast forward a month. A want to fly across the country. I want to be at home. I want to be with somebody I'm not with. What a horrible, counterproductive disease. I don't want to be one of those people who is constantly looking around in the middle of a conversation, trying to find someone else to talk to. I don't want to live on an electronic device. I want to be where I am, present with people. I feel like it's just a lot harder when 90% of my friends live in a different place than I do, and only about 15% of them could fully satiate my social needs-- without me wanting to be somewhere else.

I guess I have that to be grateful for, though. Despite the fact that they're few, and they're mostly not here, I guess just having people in my life that I could spend time with for weeks on end and never tire of is actually kind of amazing, and I probably take it for granted. A bunch of people probably think no one loves them. I'm really grateful for the people that love me. But, I should probably stop letting these imaginary situations stop me from loving the ones right in front of me.

Marriage niceties

2011-11-11T11:46:00.001-08:00

Let the record show that at 11:11 on 11/11/11, I wished that I'd get married someday. So, after I die, if I never got married, let the record show that wishing doesn't actually work.

P.S. If you were wondering what my favorite wedding dress is, as of right now, here you go. This is just more proof that I have exquisite taste in nearly everything. But really, it's a tie between these two very opposite styles.

Have I ever told you how much I love dresses? I own 33 of them, and I constantly feel the need for more. They range from beach attire to business to everyday wear to the fanciest fancy (if I could marry a word it would the word fancy. I love that word).
Cinderella spread a rumor when she said wishes don't come true if you tell people what you wish. Really, unless you're Snow White, wishes only come true when they stop becoming wishes and start becoming goals with deadlines. Ever since I was 12 or less and someone told me to make a wish on something, whether it was a blowy dandelion, birthday candles, a fallen eyelash, or shooting stars I wished for the same thing. I always thought wishing to get married was just a funny thing to tell people; But really, I think being married would be nice in weird ways and I do legitimately wish for it, but the whole prospect of it happening is very improbable to me. It's hard for me to think about, actually-- especially in the Mormon sense. Two people meet, and somehow stop playing the game for long enough to actually show the other person that they really care about them/ couldn't live without them, neither one looks down on the other-- in fact, they are IN LOVE with each other-- they both respectively think the other person is the best thing that ever happened to them. Now, that's the part that is hard for me to envision. Two people who don't have different dynamics of affection, or lust or anything. They are stuck THICKLY in the HIGHEST level of infatuation-- TOGETHER. Highly improbable. Especially since, in my experience, one person almost always likes the other person more, or it was never a real option in the first place because they're on completely different moral playing grounds.

The whole thing is extraordinarily complicated to me. I've witnessed a lot of marital dynamics in action (like more than 4000), and there are only a few that I would aspire to. Honestly, I think I'd love to be married. I feel like I have years of growing up to do before I'll be ready for anyone to share my life that way, though. Or maybe I just haven't met anyone, ever, who I can faintly imagine living with for even 15 years, let alone ETERNITY without wondering when it's ever going to end. Seriously. How are so many people so crazy? Look at all these marriages that end in either flames, depression, financial misery, or murder. All because two people were insane enough to enter into this bond, and sign this paper that really makes no sense in the first place, all for the sake of... replenishing the earth? Two adults with serious emotional instability (everyone included)+ sexual tension+ assets+ decision making+ different opinions= a nasty, nasty mess. If I were to get married someday I can promise you it wouldn't be riddled with the disease that eats away at most marriages: which is that people don't understand the real meaning of commitment. They are not unconditionally committed. They say "I'll stay married unless..." That's just fatal.

It'd be really nice to believe that I can count on someone besides myself, and to come home every day to a very hot man that cares about me, and to have someone to help me make decisions, and make really awesome kids with. I guess my real frustration is that I doubt that any man will understand me enough to realize I am the greatest thing that's ever happened to him. All of this ^^^^ above is stemming either from my very cynical view of men, or my lack of belief that anyone I really esteem will ever see me that way, or that I'll allow them to. So, don't take it at face value. In the end, I really do want to get married. I'm obviously super romantic.

A Crying Shame

2011-11-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

There's something wrong with me.

I am suddenly emotional to the extreme. Seriously. I cry almost every other day about something nowadays. It's kind of pathetic and adorable at the same time. Don't get me wrong-- it's hardly ever about something very personal. Of course, it's personal, just not very. True, heart-felt soul power triggers my sensitivity gauge more easily than ever, though. I cry in great films, poetry I can relate to, songs where you can hear serious soul emanating from the singer's voice/words, a well written sentence, a beautiful picture, a moving performance, a conversation I hear two people have with each other, you know, stuff like that. So, everything.

I love crying. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have something to cry about in my actual life. At the same time, I don't want anyone to break my heart, die, or disappoint me in a grand way. I just want to experience the pain for some reason. I am the most anti-dramatic human being I know, and nothing truly awful ever really happens to me-- either that or I just don't think anything is awful.

Here are some movies I always cry in. Am I just another irrational wreck using the beauty of art as an outlet for my pent up-ness, or is this normal?:

Films:
-Apollo 13 (That part where everyone is waiting and their parachutes don't open up for a minute and a half. Bawling the whole time-- let out a gasp of relief and laugh in tears when they come on screen alive. Seriously?? You are not married to Tom Hanks, and it's not real.)
-127 Hours (Not for the faint of heart. The part where he gets saved. I almost died sobbing)
-A Little Princess (The end. Not the Shirley Temple version. Never fails)
-Contact (When she's talking to her "dad" in space)
-Brother Bear (The part where little bear leaves gets me every time)
-West Side Story (Maria's speech with the gun)
-Star Wars III (When Anakin throws Master Windu out of the window. Then kills the children. Despair.)
-The Lion King (Simba ascending the cliff after the fight. Go to 8:00 if you want)
-You've Got Mail (When Kathleen goes into Fox Books and tells them about the shoe books)
-Little Women (When Beth dies)
- It's a Wonderful Life (The end)

... and probably a bunch of others. I'm proud to know you if you're still reading this. I can't imagine being interested if I wasn't me.

As my friend, Adrienne Rich, would say "[art] is suffering made powerful." I agree, in these cases. This quote just came to mind because I guess I have been suffering lately. It's hard for me to come to terms with, and unfortunately easy for me to pretend that I'm not. But I am. Conflicting thoughts are colliding in my brain. Sometimes it feels like I'm in the middle of a Beatles concert and George and Ringo are fighting and crowd is screaming and the whole thing is just a mess. I'll just say it. I feel quite alone right now. That's embarrassing for me, mostly because in saying it, I feel like I'm victimizing myself. More than anything I just want this school year to be over, and my time in Logan, UT to be over and done with forever. It's days like this when I am truly grateful for the strong people who are by my side at all times, supporting me. These are the days when I really really feel their presence, and want to be with them more than anything. Anyways. I'm done. This post is seriously pathetic. And my eyes hurt.

http://www.bestfreewebresources.com/2010/06/photography-child-and-baby-crying.html

A poem a Day keeps Teenage Pregnancy away: Part 5

2011-11-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

Regret

This room is nearly empty.
A mattress on the floor,
Accompanied by one thing there.
It sits, and waits; hopes.

Its window there is looking--
into the room away.
It's open, and the air around is
freezing, jealous, rank.

It sees the other mattress
that lies beyond the sill.
Decor is rich; deluxe in eye.
Fruitful color; grace.

Pictures populate the paint,
smiles and laughing; open, free.
The bed is raised above the dirt,
warmth and comfort filled.

The quilt that covers all seems
thick with feathers; colored--
deep yellow, red, and ample blue,
emanating life.

The naked mattress sits to wish--
and cries in want of hope
Unfrequented, and in good length--
thinks of unrestraint.

The garnished bed looks over always
smiling, wond'ring, wanting too.
Pretending hard that thoughts aren't there;
wish to clear the paint.

Oh my man I love him so.

2011-10-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

I don't take fantastic pictures.

I'm not in a jazz band.

My bedroom is basically bare.

I don't travel to exotic places or meet exotic people.

I don't really date that much anymore.

I don't star in musicals very often, okay ever.

I'm still not very good at cooking.
I don't create anything creative.

I haven't read 56 of the books that are sitting on my bookshelf (that's not including the complete works of Shakespeare or my anthologies).

I don't meditate often.

I don't really have a job.

I don't join in campus/institute/high school friend activities-- and only sometimes in college friend ones.

So, you might ask, "What do you do all the time, Kate?" If you did ask this, I would likely answer: "I read things written by this man. Pretty much all the time. The rest of the time I am either talking to a real person, internetting, discussing literature in class, writing papers about books, or sleeping."

That is Charles Dickens. And I want to marry him. Really, I was walking along, minding my business, when out of an orange colored sky FLASH BAM ALAKAZAM wonderful he came by! I'm pretty sure he's waiting for me in spirit land. He's probably watching me right now, reading this. And I bet he likes it. I bet he is so happy that I've finally realized our destiny. I'd probably request he shave before I kiss him, but either way. His choice.

No, but seriously. I just finished Oliver Twist, and David Copperfield, and am now barely digging into Bleak House. Seriously. If you haven't read anything by him, do. The multi-level, multi-layered exploration he takes through human psychology and social structure is seriously incredible. Not only that, but his characters and words are entertaining to no end. You shouldn't take anything he writes at face value, which I love, but you can if you want. And that's the beautiful part. Choosing to be an English major was one of the top three decisions I've ever made. I love studying things like this more than anything in the world. If I have to spend the majority of my time doing it, so be it.

Well, now you know. I'm having a mental affair with C.D. and various other dead authors we don't need to talk about right now. I know that's kinda creepy, but that's okay because it's almost Halloween. I'll be fine.

Non-descript title to a non-descript post.

2011-10-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

This song never fails to make me feel better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMsTSdHIJds

Recently, I

2011-10-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

realized that Charles Dickens is the man I want to marry.

am addicted to the pork at Cafe Rio and.... wait for it... hamburgers. Surprise!

feel like being anywhere but where I am with people that I'm with half the time.

want it to be November 17th pretty much all the time.

am going through major withdrawals from theater. Literally dying for a stage.

can't wait to not be in Logan, Utah anymore-- and to not have to pay tuition.

am trying too hard not to try too hard.

see that the dichotomy in my life isn't as vast as it seemed.

cry about things I've never cried about before.

feel like going somewhere very very different from here when I graduate.

think people that get married just because they think they're hopelessly in love are kinda dumb (more to come on that).

really like Hinduism. And an atheist.

am fully coming into my awkwardness.

doubt I'll ever be wed.

never fail to cry in Glee.

miss reading Harry Potter.

am kinda slightly maybe a little bit baby hungry.

think I'd be a darling millionaire.

want an ewok.

Wow, does anyone notice a theme in this post? Holy cow.

2011-09-22T20:27:00.000-07:00

Don't want to say much today. I've always thought art/poetry/music/theater/literature are much better than I am at expressing true emotion, or complex ideas; which is one of the biggest reasons I chose to be a literary analysis major instead of a psychology major (really, would you rather read "Letters on the Study of Nature" or "Their Eyes Were Watching God"?). So, this sonnet by John Donne will do for today. This about captures the feeling of the whole week.

Batter my heart, three-personed God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand; o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new,
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labor to admit you, but O, to no end;
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy,
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor chaste, except you ravish me.

------------Holy Sonnets, XIV

Someday my desires will be one with God's. Until then I promise you I'll be on an uphill slope to that place.

2011-09-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

First matter of wonder-- I just checked out my blog statistics-- and as of today I have had 2,757 views (which I thought was heavy, due to the fact that I was pretty sure only my family reads this...). That's weird. But not only that-- get this: 83 of them are from Russia, 71 are from the Netherlands, 56 from Germany, 42 from France, 22 are from South Korea, 24 from Denmark, and 21 from Malaysia?? I mean.... WHAT? I don't know anyone from any of these places... I find this completely fascinating. I hope the outside world is gaining from the social, sexual, spiritual, and mental research my blog provides on what goes on in the life of the average beautiful white, introverted, Mormon, door-to-door bookselling, English major, music/book obsessed female from the United States whose favorite animal is a buffalo. Really, I feel that I'm benefiting the masses now; thank you blogger statistics.

I don't want to talk about reshaping my life like I do so often on here. Self improvement is constantly on my mind, so obviously that's my first instinct. But today I just want to talk about the things and people I love right now. I'm more grateful than I ever have been ever.

--Haven't ever really expressed my sincere love for, and deep dependence on my family here before. So, to paint a picture for those who don't know, without these people my life would be a bat cave without torches. Vivid enough? Okay, how about like being deep underwater without snorkeling gear. Or maybe more like the 12 disciples wandering around without Jesus Christ. In other words, I really like them, and I've never tried it, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't live without them.

I think it makes sense that this bevy of beauties

and this cabal of gentleman

were created by this exquisite couple.

Aren't they perfection? You should meet them.

Other than those guys, I couldn't live without: Burgers, feet, Emily Griepentrog, Danielle Roos, airplanes, the Book of Mormon, Dan Cumming, singing, my computer Cain, Matt Ross, my car Charlie, Devan Dror, my phone, Southwestern and dresses. My heart is overflowing with joy. I am literally blessed beyond measure. Alright, cliche time over. Kate Marshall, out.

A poem a Day keeps gynecologists away: Part 4*

2011-06-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Scents

Autumn is the hardest season

the leaves are falling --

they're falling in love with the ground --

the trees are naked and lonely.

I try to tell them

new leaves will come around in spring

but you can't tell trees those things,

they're like me, they just stand there

and don't listen.

Now the sky clicks from black to blue

and dusk looks like a bruise.

I've been wrapping one night stands

around my body like wedding bands,

but they slip off my fingers and out the door

and all that lingers is your scent.

I once swore if I threw that smell

into a wishing well

every wish in the world would come true.

I hope there's a kite in your hand

flying all the way up to Orion,

a thousand yards of string to let out.

I hope you're smiling

like life is tugging at your cheeks.

Cause I might be naked and lonely,
shaking branches for bones,
but I'm still time zones away
from the day before we met.

A poem a Day keeps Salmonella away: Part 3*

2011-06-05T05:51:00.000-07:00

The Big Bang

I swear I've got no cymbals to give ya.

I just want you to pretend for a sec--

Pretend ya live for a living.

Pretend--inside your skin you've got a friend

who's willing to give you

everything you ever wanted

in exchange for all you've ever been.

I wanna see every business report

in the world overflow with musical notes.

I wanna see Wall Street dance;

and business suits get drunk on laughter.

I wanna take the Willy Lomans in my arms and say--

Go home -- Build something!

Don't ask yourself what the world needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive
and go do that. Because, friend,
I can see it now. It looks a lot like it would
if just one brain in the heart of this place
rose up to shoot off singing
with one Big-Bang.

A poem a Day keeps the Cancer away: Part 2*

2011-05-15T05:11:00.001-07:00

I opened my palm today and I saw

backyard tree branches in the lines.

And I wondered if Beethoven

Held his breath

The first time his fingers

Touched the keys

The same way a soldier

Holds his breath

The first time his finger

Clicks the trigger.

I want to write poems

In the tone

Of your mother’s eyes

When she heard your name

For the very first time

Poems that will make you go home

Pick up the phone

And call her,

While I call mine to say

“You know those lines

On the kitchen wall

Where I grew

Taller and taller and taller

Put a couple more there won’t you?

Cause I’m no longer looking at my days

Like they’re a cup

Calling them enough.

From now on

They’ll be overflowing,

Since now I’m knowing

It’s up to me

To fill them up.

*Yeah, the title of this blog post-- totally true

A poem a Day keeps Obesity away: Part 1*

2011-04-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been presented a very new challenge this semester, being was forced to write something besides critical analyses (which I am still forced to do a couple times a week. When will it END??), including plays, monologues, and... eh.. poetry, which I always hated before my American Lit. History class. But I have come to enjoy poems, and I really love writing all of a sudden. So I'm going to post a few mine on here. Enjoy!

(Dumb blogger kinda messed up the form of this one. Oh well.)

Opposite Canvas

I wanna be somebody's mother, touching my waist biting my breast pulling my hair, as they cling tight to my back.
I wanna be the cab in the middle of the Big Apple picking every mind and size and look off the street so I can take them home.
I wanna be the psychiatrist that takes your fears and your worries and your tears and I wanna throw them into the grand canyon from outer space.
I wanna be the man on top of the mountain. But I wanna fall there. I wanna fall there so I can say Hey I'm The Only One Who Could Do It. God chose me this time.

I could always send the people around me into a state of frenzy.
I could always make their ears ring with the sounds of indescribable pain.
I could always make them feel like they are the inferior ones, like their lives are helpless.
I could always send them to a place where only self-hatred and darkness and jealousy reign.

I'm like the girl with boy hair on stage making mobs start riots with my songs, except the mobs aren't people.
I'm like the canvas that holds the one secret to real satisfaction, hidden on the corner of the page in invisible ink, laughing at you.
I'm like the man who covers his eyes and says to the world Come To Me Make Things Happen Cause That’s Just How Things Should Be.
I'm like that herd of buffalo buffalo buffalo that run toward a dust storm just to show they can, and I’m the rubble fragments that stick like razors in their eyes.

But I wanna be the man washing the feet of a pregnant woman with her belly aiming toward the sun yelling Love Me
I wanna be the one in the audience crying, dreaming about closing their eyes not knowing what they don't know and not caring.
I could never make dying beautiful so I wanna be a wish, holding my breath crossing my fingers and blowing a dandelion to please come true.
I wanna be free of the parts that say Stop You Can't Do That You Can't Love That Much because I know it's rotting. So I’m gonna stop looking now. I'm just gonna just see.

Maura and Mae

2011-03-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

Here'sthe fourth monologue I've written for my playwriting class. This onemight be confusing out of context, but I really like it so I'mposting it. Bon appetite.

Maura,age 30, talks to her mother about being ashamed of her family. Maurais very elegant, and speaks with a genteel Southern accent.

Maura:You see, Ma, it wasn't that I didn't love you. Daddy, too. But Iwanted us to be acceptable, Ma. And we weren't. I wanted us tobe middle class. Educated. I wasn't ever going to be laughed atagain. Did you know I was laughed at, Ma?

(TouchesMae's shoulder.) First for my poverty, then for my accent when Iwent to college. Oh, yes, we all had accents, Ma, but I sounded likepoor country folk. Which we were. My words were different. And if Ihadn't been so damned beautiful, Ma, and so smart, I never would havebeen accepted.

Andstill it wasn't easy. When I married Aaron, I said it made nodifference that he was Jewish. But it did, Ma.

(Maefreezes, standing down center. While speaking, Maura gives her shawlto her mother and places combs in her hair, adjusting her to appearmore elegant.) So I did what I had to do. I made you rich,elegant. I said Daddy was educated. I know you think he was, and Isuppose compared to you he seemed so, but he wasn't really, Ma. Oh,the world is not an easy place; you have to fight to live in it. Andit wasn't pure invention, just exaggeration... a little distortionhere and there. But I always loved you.

Iwill never mention this again, Ma. I will tell our story the way itshould have been, the way it is. I will set you free.

There'ssomething I've been wanting to tell you, Ma. A dream I keep having,and it's so strange. You see, in this dream I'm all alone on asummer's night, and there are little breezes blowing around me. Ihear crickets and smell honeysuckle drifting in the moonlight. Myhair is silky, and I feel it on my shoulders. And then...

(Laughs.)...I realize I'm naked and standing on a barn roof. Well, there'sno one around to see me, but I feel so lovely I wouldn't care anyway.I move around a little, but I'm very careful not to fall off. Andthen... I look up, and I see you, Ma, dancing in the clouds. You lookso beautiful, Ma. I... I call: Ma! But you don't seem to hear me, soI reach up to you, and I... I force myself to rise up, up to whereyou're having such a good time, because I want to dance with you,but...

(Hervoice becomes whining, tearfully despairing, as though she cannotcomprehend this at all.) ...before I can get there, I always wakeup. (She reaches toward Mae, who is dancing away in the clouds.)

Matt Ross Rap

2011-03-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

So, I got this in an email from Matt Ross at 5 in the morning today, and had to share. If you don't think it's funny, you obviously don't know Matt Ross. But, if you're wondering why I love my job...

this is a rap i wrote called"10000 YO"

ever since i wuz born, people try and keep me down
try and spread my wings, but i get pushed around
tryin to live my dreams, but ppl just laugh
finally had enough, so i did a little math

picked out a number that represents me
dont care what ppl think, dont care what they see

Cause im kate marshall and thats the only reason why!
i got the desire to do it and prove it to myself and God!
And all i gots to say is "i know what to do!"

i hear people snicker as i announce my goal
tellin me im too young, tellin me that aint my role
i dont give an F what anyone thinks
stop holdin me back makin my belief barrier shrink

i picked out a number that i know is me
dont care what henry bedford thinks or Dan moore see

Cause im Kate marshall and i know what to do
i got the desire to do it and prove it to myself
all yall suckas gonna read my quote in the SS book
Cause im kate marshall and i know what to do

One of my favorite people in the entire world.

Look at him. He is totally the epitome of dignity.

Awakening

2011-03-18T15:17:00.000-07:00

One line from a poem my friend wrote keeps running through my mind:

The rooster hates us now,

he will not wake us.

I feel sad today, and the connotations of this line will not stop haunting me. I hate writing on here when I'm in an emotional state. It makes me look pathetic, later, when I feel normal again. But I need somebody, even if it's just the one person that reads this, to know how I feel-- because I cannot talk about it out loud for some reason (which is probably 80% of the reason I feel horrible right now)-- or maybe I just want the void to hear it. Anyway- I need someone to wake me up. I feel like I've been sleeping my whole life. I don't feel excited about anything right now. I'm heading toward great and exciting things-- things that I've created for myself. But when it's time to finalize things, I can't. I keep putting everything off-- Like it's going to happen sometime, but it won't unless I wake up. I know it.

"The credit belongs to the man in the arena."--- "Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something."--- "Live as if you'll die tomorrow."--- "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for."--- "The greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."--- "If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."--- "The saddest words of tongue and pen are those that say 'It might have been'."---"Indecision often costs you more than the wrong decision does."

There are a million and a half quotes and stories about it. And I totally believe that if you love anything, your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenatrable, irredeemable.

I get it. I just can't do it. And I'm scared the rooster hates me so much now, he won't ever wake me up.

Some creativity

2011-03-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

I was forced. I wrote this at 2 am, maybe that's why it's slightly depressing. I'll write another one someday when I'm in a happy mood.

(The first one, I had to tailor to match Emily Dickinson style, hence - the - dashes and no title)

I listen -
The tilting inside edge of your voice -
Insistent - brimming where it merges -
forests into Marshlands.

Buildings into oceans -
Surrounded - too fast!
Afraid of the subtle struggle-
layered with surprise.

The clouds of purple dust,
tolerant - test the shore’s margin like the red light.
All is harnessed - like a dead clock -
Chained - and the sun will die.

Dancing feet are gone,

It won’t hurt -
the ever present Transience - But the plea
will ascend even from the highest point of flight.

This post is mostly a joke, but needed to be said

2011-03-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

I was born a poor black child...

I wish. I was thinking today, and decided I need to marry a black man because I really want a black baby. Or maybe I'll be fortunate enough to have an infertile white husband so we're forced to adopt.

Upsides: Black people make everything look cooler than it actually is. They're generally better than white people at being athletes, singers, toothless old people, comedians, attractive, intellectuals, dancers, speakers, leaders, babies, confident, and lovers. I would get to show him off at family events because I'm the only one with a black husband and/or baby. It would also make sense for me to name my first baby boy Rock (which is the best boy name ever), and he would totally work it cause he'll be black. Also, the black prince in The Princess and the Frog is way more noticeably attractive than the other bland, boring white princes (besides Dmitri, but he's Russian).

Downsides: I guess, statistically, they're also better at being criminals and beating their wives. But I feel like if I find a black man who actually wants to marry me this won't really be an issue. Anyways, this statistic is probably just a result of rampant racism. They also have huge lips but I think I could get over that.

The pros totally outnumber the cons. Just sayin.

My life is the highway/ Santa Rosa

2011-03-10T23:48:00.000-08:00

So, the highway is one of my favorite places in the world. Some people might read this and be mad and say "Kate is such an irresponsible driver. Hasn't she gotten in, like, 4 to 5 accidents or something? She should really slow down, and not treat the road like her playground. What an inconsiderate imbecile." And I can see why some would say this. Those people may not believe me when I say I'm totally in control when I'm driving. Those people just aren't used to such a facade of recklessness and joy combined with a foundation of carefully thought out movements; which combination truly occurs when Kate Marshall drives.

Anyway, whether you believe me about that or not, there are so many reasons the highway is my home:

Everybody moves over for me, and I feel like I'm the queen of the universe, or as Julia would put it, "parting the red sea."
I can always sense a cop. Sometimes when I speed past them they just stay put because they love me and don't want to get me in trouble. Sometimes they turn their lights on, speed up, and pull me over, but even then-- I have like a 13% ticketing rate. I think that's pretty impressive. I'll have to thank God for that one, actually, for blessing me with a pretty smile and the ability to make people laugh (P.S. Women: I tried crying once, and it totally failed. That's one of the reasons my rate is so high. They like it better when you make them laugh. Trust me.)
I love driving fast so much. It makes me feel powerful, which is probably bad. But, at least I don't hold guns to people's heads, or... all sorts.
I make fast friends. People that want to go as fast as I do-- we hang out on the highway and pass all the old people, asians, texters, and snootys together. I don't know them. But I know that I love them. It breaks my heart every time each of us is forced to go our own way.
Unfortunately, I'm one of those obnoxious people who likes to show off how awesome their music is, and driving gives me a fantastic chance to do this. The opportunity to listen to my music with people I love is the only reason I volunteer to drive places, ever.
It is my place to be spontaneous, and free-- whereas sometimes in my normal life I feel trapped and caged by my mind not allowing me to do things I want to do. I feel like the master of my existence when I'm in my car. Ready, able, and willing to do anything to get where I want to go, at the time I want to get there. My fate is suddenly truly in my hands.

I just finished a 4 day road trip with my sister, Julia, which was very fun, and this post was bursting out of my face. I don't know why.

Anyways, I met my nephew, George, for the first time in Santa Rosa-- he might be the sweetest thing in the whole entire world. Actually, I want him.

I have no pictures of this trip, which is tragical, and there's not much to post about. But I got to spend a lot of lovely quality time with Melissa and a little with Joe, which is always, well, lovely. We went to downtown Santa Rosa, which is quaint and sweet, played the block game on the Wii, made food, ate food, watched What's Up, Doc and had a jolly grand old time.

Then Julia is always a hilarious companion of hilarity and depth mixed together. Favorite quote from Julia is as she was changing clothes: "Don't look. No really don't look. You won't like it. It won't be like that professional stuff you see online." Hahaha I love her.

P.S. Right now, I want to ride my life all night long.

Also, road trip food is gross.

I don't think anyone actually reads this anymore

2011-02-28T11:12:00.001-08:00

So I guess that means I get to write whatever I want! Wow, a whole new, slightly private horizon. I'm so excited. Now I can say: my married friends are boring, and too young to be married, on the internets. Also, last summer I worked in the ghetto for like a week and I totally hit president's club. I didn't tell anyone about that. I like the taste of my own blood. I am not college VL anymore. Let's see. I think if they legalize abortion they also have to legalize prostitution, murder, and all drug use. I definitely have You've Got Mail, The Devil Wears Prada, and "Like A Cholo" by Down AKA Kilo memorized: that's embarrassing. I listen to Salt-n-Pepa on a regular basis. I have a book buying problem, I now own over 200. It bothers me when people use multiple exclamation points and/or smiley faces in the same sentence!!! :) :) Too much. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I break out into the beginning part of "The Circle of Life" as loud as possible. I like non-Mormon boys better than Mormon boys for so many reasons. I still make mixed tapes for my friends in my spare time. It really bothers me the way the people flow in and out of my life. I have a woman-crush on Meryl Streep and Katherine Zeta-Jones. I miss theater dearly. I am the master at covering up my introverted-ness now, and am really proud of that. My dearest character goal is to be the most encouraging person everyone knows. When I'm driving on the freeway, sometimes I go 95 mph on cruise control. When my friends/family don't hang out with me/ communicate with me in any way for more than like two weeks I feel like they don't love me: seriously? I really don't like Disney movies that much. I always have some sort of major scar/burn/blister/bruise on my legs, but at least I don't have acne. And I can't read. Oh, and I have perfect pitch. I feel like I am now a part of the common human plight. Also, I miss the good times when I had no worries and no responsibilities. Man, see?? See what my life has turned me into? Now I'm cliche! I bet that sentence has been written like 1949392^10 before I wrote it just now. Anyways. Feels good to get that off my back. There is only one lie in this whole spiel, let's see if anyone can guess what it is... should be hard.

Nothing like a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

2010-11-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

Abyss is a good word.

And "how do you feel?" is a wonderful question.

I can't explain how I feel right now. All I know is that right now, today, I wish someone would ask me that question and really want to know the answer with all their heart. I'm so tired of insincerity, and temporary love. I don't love it when people make me care about them and disappear. And what I'm really wondering is if the fault is really mine. Because I feel like I'm the only one that's stuck in this abyss. It takes a lot to make me trust someone. The only real way someone can get me to trust them completely is by spending a lot of quality time with me. This is truly the only way that people can see through the shell of me into the center of me. I hide so much- and it takes some real digging to get into what's really going on inside. And when I say digging I don't mean asking the right questions in order to make me open up to them. I have a very sensitive gauge for sincerity, and true unselfish interest coming from others. I mean it takes someone who I feel is truly, emotionally, sincerely invested in knowing about the way I feel-- for me, not for them. "What I admire most about you is that your questions reflect a sincere desire to discover the truth, not like many these days who ask questions only to test others." When someone finds me interesting, only then do I think they're interesting, because I think I'm interesting (I believe this is common in every person on the earth). I think that because of this shell, or I used to call it "having walls," the people around me think that I am stone and nothing can affect me. But really, all I am is wood. And it may take quite a swing, but I do feel in me what emotions I think are included in the common human plight. "We are such an interesting species. An interesting mix. We're capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. We feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, but we're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other." (From "Contact") The only problem with this for me is that I have such a sensationally difficult time trusting others that I miss out on those relationships that I may have had. And then, when I finally feel that emotional connection with someone, which occurrence is rare, many times I've felt jaunted and betrayed. I don't say this because I feel like I need attention. Actually I don't even think anybody even really reads this anymore unless I tell them to. But I do want to say that I desire special relationships, and I don't know what to do differently to obtain them without letting this dreadful guard down and feeling completely free and open to those around me. I think about the billions of people that populate this world, and how many intimate relationships are possible. It makes me feel so insignificant, and so inadequate. I know so little. But I want to know what drives all these people to wake up and live so badly. I wonder about them. And I may never meet them, but I know that I love them. I love them because I know that everyone struggles with something deeply. Some of them express it and some of them avoid the expression of it with every word and look on their face. I guess the way to finally receive what I desire is to show that I feel this for them, without thinking of how foolish I may look, or how vulnerable I'm making myself by showing love. Because that's the real reason I block myself off. I am so afraid of the hurt that is involved with expressing sincere interest, but I expect everyone in my own life to express it to me. Which isn't fair at all, is it-- and probably why it leaves after it comes. Anyway- I think my goal is clear. Thanks for letting me think out loud, void.

Mrrrrrrr.

2010-11-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

That's the sound that my life is making right now.

I have never been as excited for anything as I am for sizzler.

And I've never been as annoyed with anyone as I think God probably is with me right now (does He get annoyed?).

The sad thing about me is that I'm completely, brutally aware of everything about myself. Why I do the things I do, what I am doing, what I'm amazing at, what I'm horrid at, how I come off to the people around me, the way I act vs. the way I want to act, etc... but most the time I don't want to do anything about it because I am too stinking proud. And I am so aware of it. So so proud, and it's stupid because if you look at the list in the post below-- a bunch of those characteristics are blocked off by pride. I'm a bad person sometimes. Literally.

I prayed for humility and a larger capacity for love for the first time in a while yesterday. I felt like I really needed to pray for it, because I want it-- but I realize, not for the first time, that it's one of those things I can't just obtain for myself. Actually-- trying to do it myself absolutely would defeat the purpose of the plea. Asking for help finally defeats my self reliance and bowls over that need for independence and allows me to realize that maybe the Lord does know better than I do.

Is having the desire for it enough to make it come to pass? I think, in this case, it might be. If I'm consciously putting an effort into it and wanting to be that way. But...

Fact: I rely on myself waay to much. I hardly ever trust anyone to do as good a job as I will (unless they are obviously more experienced in something). Which is prideful in itself. Do I need to learn to trust in other people's abilities more? And how can I fully accept the fact that God's path is better for me than mine? Do I need a blow to the head?

Good questions, Kate.

Recently, I

2010-11-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

have a lot of friends getting married.

really hate it when my comment is the end of a texting conversation. It makes me feel like I'm not in control.

made a goal to stop being introverted, and legitimately care about the people around me.

have been bored with reading.

am legitimately afraid of the queen of spades.

feel Celtic music, the Carpenters, Elvis, and Keane in my heart.

write articles for the Utah Statesman, but think I use a little too much voice...

realized that I pre-meditate EVERYthing before I do it. Even if it looks like I'm being spontaneous, I'm not.

can't decide if I like that about myself or not.

miss my brother Richard.

think everyone in the world needs to watch "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington" and have a crush on Jimmy Stewart.

think that buffalo are the best animals.

thought about attending the Landmark Forum.

wish I was in Logan more, and was still close to my cousins.

have been really cocky about my letter writing, fridge fitting, car backing up, and imitation skills.

buy way too many dresses.

seriously stole Jamie Pence's heart.

decided I need to hold up on this beselfcriticalallthetime business.

feel the need to be alone.

like taking Dave Davidson's advice more than usual.

get excited about almost nothing.

like looking into other people's cars on the freeway and singing to them.

cried in Toy Story 3, like everybody else.

RHETI, Set, Go.

2010-11-02T09:39:00.001-07:00

I just took this personality test (something I love and am fascinated with) that I think was pretty accurate about me. It's called the RHETI test. Apparently I am foremostly the Thinker/Observer, secondly the Motivator/Achiever, and thirdly the Peacemaker/Leader. Here's another one I think everyone should take. If you're not interested in knowing about me or my life you should stop here because the rest is all about me. Actually, you should probably just stop reading my blog because that's all I talk about.

Take the test here: 9types

Here's how to deal with Kate Marshall.

The Observer (the Five)

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

Be independent, not clingy.
Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
don't come on like a bulldozer.
Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Five

being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Fives as Children Often

spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
have a few special friends rather than many
are very bright and curious and do well in school
have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Fives as Parents

are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

To those who know me: Pretty good, huh? Go take it.

The theory of anti-dramaticism

2010-10-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. It's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

I've been thinking about my past life, recently-- something I don't often do-- and have had a hard time coming to conclusions about why I do, or don't do the things I do... or don't do. First of all, I'll have you know that I do not talk about thoughts like this very openly. I used to think that was just my introverted side coming out. But I think it's something different, now. I have a fantastic tendency to avoid any sort of drama in my life. I don't talk about the things that upset me, or make my life difficult and my mind heavy- except sometimes in writing. I don't think it's my introvertedness anymore. It feels rather like I'm the best friend in a movie, actually. I have things happen to me in my own life, but none of the audience ever hears about my problems or concerns- except when it has to do with my best friend, the main character-- whose problems are much more important, and fancy than mine. It's not that my life doesn't have the potential to be super crazy and dramatic- it does. What happens is I ignore those problems till they go away. This tendency is a great thing in some ways: The small problems I do end up having go away quickly, and since I am so antimagnetic to dramatic happenings I am a safe confidante for my friends, I also am a HUGE big picture person, so I'm able to anticipate potential problems quickly and deal with them in an arbitrary fashion-- so I get to hear a lot of gossip from people, which is fun for me.

But this tendency also withholds me from experiences I might have otherwise had that I want to have. I realized that it shows extremely in my person that I have never truly been in love with anyone- and so have never really had a broken heart. I don't take risks, so that this drama may be avoided at all costs. And that is why I do this, and am afraid of these. Don't get me wrong though, this is only in my personal life. My business life is full of risks and chances of failure-- which is something that thrills me about work. But, why am I not like that in other aspects of my life? Why am I so afraid to be the leading lady?

I've always been subconsciously (until recently) afraid that those that I love will not love me as much as I love them in return. This is something that controls me, and has since I was very young. I go through life playing the this role that allows me to keep my wits about me, and see everything as "no big deal." I don't get emotional about things, even when they merit deep emotion. I have been betrayed, lied to, and hurt just like everybody else. But I don't talk about it, or do anything to defend myself. I usually just ignore the situation until the bad feelings go away. This is party because I hardly know what I want in the first place, and so decide to take no action-- hoping that will resolve the problem satisfactorily. And it usually does, but probably not in the way that helps me to have the life experiences I want so dearly.

I remind myself dreadfully of the character Beatrice in "Much Ado About Nothing" by Shakespeare. I think the only thing that could convince me to be in a relationship is if someone tricked me as she was tricked. I do not trust men, in any manner of the phrase. And I hate saying it because it's too cliche- and all women say it. But I have no reason to trust them, due to some experiences that were almost completely my fault- so I just avoid them now. Which is why I do this, and probably why I hate this. Like Beatrice says when her uncle says he hopes to see her marry-- "not till God make men of some other metal than earth. Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a pierce of valiant dust? To make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl? Adam's sons are my brethren; and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred." I was not born in a merry hour, my mother cried, but then there was a star danced, and under that was I born. I cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.

Anyway- for once I'm not really sure how to deal with this problem. If it is, in fact, a problem. I don't really know what I want anymore.

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --Theodore Roosevelt

Eh. Pretty sure that's where I am. Not in the arena. Gross. I think it's time to get my trust on and stop blaming others for things that are my fault.

Yeah...

Crazy little thing called dating.

2010-10-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

Some people like the game.

I don't.

I'm gonna rant. Get ready.

And on my favorite topic too. Dating in Utah. This will most likely be an extremely entangled account of my feelings. Here goes.

I like boys. But I'm starting to become averse to dating any Mormon boys from Utah. It's not that I've had horrible experiences. Just a bunch of mediocre ones. I'm tired of the common state of mind they all seem to share. Maybe they were brainwashed in Priesthood class for all those years. Maybe they share the secrets they think work on girls in their secret Mormon boy meetings. But, I assure you, whatever they have learned about the dating "process" all these years is very very ineffective on Kate Marshall. And mostly just annoys her and makes her want to move away or date people that are not Mormon.

Let's start out with saying that I feel bad about everything that boys have to do, in Utah, to get involved with someone that they like-- and I really shouldn't blame them for how terrible it is, even though I do. It's a torturous guessing game that most Mormon girls put them through. They are the only ones, for the whole first part of the dating process, that are in charge of showing any interest. The BOY has to ask on the first date. Then they have to guess about whether or not the girl is interested in a second date. In my experience, most the girls don't feel like they're "in charge" of the pursuing part in any way. Not fair at all. I would be extremely frustrated if I was of the other sex.

But seriously? I'm sick of these generic dates, this play-by-the-rules-I-have-to-date-because-I-need-to-find-my-preferred-wife-lady-ASAP state of mind I have sensed in every Mormon date that I've been on. And that's a lot. So many rules.

The first, and worst part, is the approach. Here's the typical phone call I receive for an asking out.

"Hey, Kate?" "Hey, what's up?" "Hey, it's ______ (Jordan, Michael, Ben, Rock)." "Hey, Jordan, how are you?" "I'm great! How are you doing?" "Pretty good." "Cool. How's school going for ya?" "School's school, dude." "Hahahaha yeah. Hey, well I was just wondering-- do you have anything planned for this Friday yet?" "No, I don't think I've got anything going on Friday." "Oh nice. Well would you want to go on a date on Friday around 6?" Okay stop.

Now there is the very first thing that makes it so horrible. That they all call it a "date." It's the worst. seriously. I know there was that one general conference talk once about how we need to stop hanging out and start dating so that there's a distinct line. But, jeez! Now, when you go, you both know that you're on a "date" which comes with all of these OTHER rules, and expectations, and nobody will talk about them. I guess it's nice to know that you're interested in me by having you take me on a "date" but I would much rather you came up and just said "Hey, I like you. Let's go on an adventure this weekend." or "I think you're really interesting and think we should hang out." Okay, that would be awesome. But now that we're on a date we have to follow all of these Mormon rules for Mormon "dating". And nobody will ever talk about why they're really doing this thing together. There's a confusing cloud covering up all the motives-- whereas if it just started out with total, blunt honesty no one would have to guess and the hard part would be out of the way from the very beginning. Because both parties usually know why they're there anyways.

Second thing that makes it so horrible are all the rules and expectations we are supposed to follow. More than half the time I feel like I'm being interviewed for eternal companionship on a first date. And then on the second date they're seeing if I'm gonna be a good Mom-- I dunno. Third date you are required to have a DTR (determine the relationship) no matter what because the THIRD date means you are officially romantically interested, possibly. But you have to have a DTR to make total sure. Why can't people just SAY how they feel from the beginning, cuss words, and make it less of a guessing game? I don't understand why I'm the only one who wants this. Also, he always feels the need to comb his hair and wear a polo, no cell phones (understandable), have to go out to eat, the night has to end with a movie, must walk you to the door, I swear they all just LOVE basketball/football/hockey games/bowling/mini-golf/apples to apples/and watching movies better than ANYTHING in this whole world that you could think of. please please please. Take me to the library, let's mess with strangers, or play a weird game, or go on a hike, or drive somewhere far, make something that you can brag about, go fishing, cook all night, buy fireworks, teach each other something, make fun of people, or SOMEthing ANYthing else. Seriously. So tired of the generic.

I guess what I really want is just directness. I just want people to say how they feel, and not feel awkward doing it (aka with confidence). Or maybe I just prefer the method that involves not going on dates, getting to know each other really well by spending untitled time together first and falling in love that way. This is why I like book boys more than normal boys. Because even though most of them are total retard, non-prospect, college boys- they are not afraid to say exactly how they feel with total, beautiful, uninhibited bluntness. Just tell me what your true motives are and why they are your motives, be a fun, interesting, attractive, spiritually-grounded, motivated person, and we can go on a date.

But please don't call it that.

Recently, I

2010-10-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

like exploring wedding magazines way too much.

miss the singing in front of other people part of my life.

spend way too much of my money, daily.

miss writing papers 2 hours before they're due.

think Justin Beiber is a 51 year old pedophile in disguise.

think it's unfair how much work boys have to do in Utah to begin relationships with girls.

enjoy building people up more than beating them.

still love rain.

no longer have any friends in Utah.

ordered 8 new books. Why? I'm addicted.

feel bored with facebook.

haven't thought about next summer at all.

want to become famous.

have a major urging to watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies in a row. It's that time of year I guess.

feel complacent about everything.

exercise every day. If my thighs could talk they would be saying "AAAAAAAAAREEHHGEHHEEEEHHSSAHAAAAAAHHHHHG"

came to the realization that it's impossible for me to learn from other people's mistakes.

can't escape from my life.

eat more hamburgers than usual.

Dear Crush...

2010-10-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

if you think I don't know your name. if I don't say hello or goodbye. if my eyes dart to the floor every time you look in my direction. if I scowl or pretend to ignore you. if I act like I'm much too cool. if I hardly ever look directly at you and never in the eye. if you wonder why I'm friendly and charming with everyone but you...it's probably because I like you. it's because I'm actually shy. it's because you've missed the countless sidelong glances I've thrown in your direction. and because I am completely terrified that if our eyes were to ever meet, it would all be over--that in that instant I would unwittingly confess to you the thousands of little lies that kept you from knowing because I'm scared of how much I like you.

signed, the girl you think has a crush on your friend.

Real life magic.

2010-09-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Two days ago I felt the littleness of me.

I was curled up on my parents couch. Feelings: sickness, complacency. I had just finished slaughtering myself at Mario Bros at 1 in the morning. My head was feeling fuzzy and, as I was sitting there, I knew what people mean when they say they have an "out of body experience." Or at least what I would mean if I ever said it. Eyes closed, I saw my body curled up on the couch from a bird's eye view. All I saw was this picture of myself, in my mind. And I kept getting farther and farther as I got smaller and smaller, and as the view got higher and higher. This doesn't sound as so totally deep as it was to me, but you get the idea. I felt the littleness of me. And no matter what I've done after that, I've felt like it's just a small action of one in the mass of a million. But that also, somehow, it matters to someone. Someone besides me. Because at the same time of feeling my insignificance, I felt my individuality. That, even in the midst of all these other tiny specks, I alone am Kate Marshall. And that's something.

This doesn't make any sense. If you get it you get it.

Anyways-

I haven't written on here for more than 5 months. And that's because I truly don't have an idea where to start.

That's usually my problem.

I am awesome at portraying an idea the way I want to... once I have one.

BUT HOW DO I TELL YOU ABOUT THESE LAST 5 MONTHS??????

Too many question marks and too much CAPS? I think yes. But I'm leaving it.

How do I explain to you sufficiently how entirely the last 5 months has changed me? And the process by which it took place? And if I can't explain that to you, how can I explain why I think the way I think now? And how it's different from before? And why it's significant? And how will you understand my exploration about whether it's a good thing or a bad thing if I can't explain it to you?

Everything is new.

Everything is different.

Not everything is better.

But so much is wonderful.

The center of me is screaming to get out onto this page. I lack the means to convey this idea to you.

People make up the meaning of my life. And there are so many new people that have been introduced to me-- and that I've had experiences with-- that I don't know where to start.

I'm just going to finish. Because I had to write something tonight. And I didn't know where to start. So this is my start I guess.

I just want to say: I love selling books. I love the people I meet because I sell books. I love the things I realize I learned after I sell books. I love the way that the atmosphere makes me want to constantly grow and become something more. But then I love the way the people make me feel okay with who I am already, and what I'm doing. This is sort of how I feel about the last five months.

My life is magical. And this is all I know how to say, adequately.

Why how and when did I become

2010-04-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

SO OBSESSED WITH JEEP LIBERTYS??

They are so beautiful. I want one. Like. Real bad. You are welcomer than welcome to buy me one for my birthday. Or just for being myself. Or as a bribe to be a good person.

Avoiding the death-gargle of the non-acheiver.

2010-03-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

So I realize I haven't updated this in forever. Not that it really matters to anyone but me. But... I can't take myself seriously when I'm not blogging for some reason. Really, it should be the other way around. Blogging, honestly, is a little... well... lame. I pretty much talk about myself all the time. And this is my way to write about myself all the time. Seriously people! How self obsessed can I get?? Come on.

Anyway- I actually feel like I'm really different since the last time I wrote-- which was almost four months ago. I love this time of my life, because I feel so moldable-- like the world is open to me changing and growing in any way I want. I realized a little earlier this year that this is one of the four things I am really obsesssed with-- self-improvement. I also realized that it's probably obsessive to an degree that is inhibitive to my happiness. Yeah. I think a part of me is afraid to just let myself be happy. Happy with the way I am, and who I am with, and what I am doing. Like it's wrong to be satisfied- because I never feel like I'm perfect yet. It seems like I'm always waiting for something extraordinary to happen to change me, and it just never comes.

So recently I have been working on not focusing so much on the past, or future, but the present. Because there's nothing I can do about what has happened, or things I've said, and there's not too much I can do to plan for the future other than just believe that it's going to be great. But the present is the future in a way. And I want to create a future clean of past. I want to get rid of all the things that have subconsciously been controlling everything I do. I'm going to stop giving away the power in my life. I don't care how many friends I've lost, or times I've failed anymore. My future is a clean slate, and I control what is written there. People can change, they usually don't- but I'm going to. I'm interested in becoming a better version of the awesome me. Today. Not someday. I'm going to stop saying "I'm working on it." And I'm just gonna do it. Period.

Also, I realized that only Christ can change me. I can try to do a million things at a time by myself and take some steps forward and some steps back over and over. But the truth is that He is the only one who really knows how to change me, and in the way that I know I really really need to be changed. In the way that will truly lead my life to happiness. It's just a matter of not putting so much stock in my abilities, and remembering what the heck I'm really supposed to be doing here and not getting caught up in all of this stuff. The stuff that doesn't matter, but seems like it does because everyone else thinks it matters. So. Enough of that. I just thought I needed to write that for you guys. For no reason.

This post wins the "post with most cliches involved" award. Also probably wins "post that no one understood but Kate." Oh well. I need to never not update for this long again.

Oh 2009. Thanks for changing me.

2009-12-29T14:15:00.000-08:00

Like I said. 2009: Thanks for changing me.

I'm going to give those few of you who actually read this, my blog, a reward; by telling you my personal history, as I see it. No really. It's a reward. I promise. I don't tell people this stuff. Hardly ever. Cause I have walls.

When I was born I was really smart. I'm guessing cause my Dad gave me books. And I read them.

Then I was still really smart until like 6th grade, even though my friends were mean to me. Then I got dumb. As you can see from the last sentence/sentence structure/ how it isn't really a sentence. And my friends were still mean to me.

Then I was in denial about who I was for like 6 maybe 7 years. I always wanted to be someone else and was a major, what I like to call, personality leech. And always told people what they wanted to hear. And always was known primarily for how good I was at singing. And always pretended that I didn't care what people thought about me, even though that was really all I cared about. And always scoffed at people whose favorite quote was "Our greatest fear is not that we're inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." And I'm still not sure I agree with that quote, but I really was afraid of being powerful, and being who I knew I wanted to be, and getting what I knew I wanted to get. Because that might mean I'm just like everyone else. And I'm not. But no one is. Even though I thought people were. And I always thought I was right about everything, and never listened (yes I know always and never are horrible generalizations) because I thought I was smarter than everyone else, when really it was the other way around. Well, sometimes....... Okay, actually most the time. But a lot of time people that were obviously smarter than I was argued with me, and I didn't let them be right until they just gave up arguing so I felt horrible after for being so beligerent and knew they were right, inside-- but wouldn't admit it. Yet the pattern continued.

Anyways. I wasn't easy to be around. And I'll be the first to admit that I'm still not. But that's cause I'm scared to let people get close to me. And cause I still think I'm right all the time. But that's cause I am. Cause I only talk about stuff I know about. Which isn't very much( Note the second paragraph written in light blue). And cause I'm really introverted, and very abrupt, and don't understand social graces.

These patterns continued a little bit into college, but got a little better as I discovered who I want to be (which I'm still not completely sure of), as opposed to who I was. I still didn't know how to work to get what I wanted my freshman year, and so I didn't get what I wanted (Good grades, better at singing, boys to like me, many good friends that wouldn't fade away, money, respect, and probably a bunch of other things). Lazy lazy lazy. Not only that, but very insecure (I guess I didn't take to heart the song that Bernadette Peters sings to Robin in the Muppets "And if all these people believe in you, deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you- maybe even you could believe in you too" Oh Bernadette). I didn't feel that I deserved anything-- Which sounds really cliche, but try to hear me saying it, and maybe it won't be anymore-- if you know me. Anyway, it wasn't a waste of a year, but it was close. Very very close. I grew up a little, and learned a tiny bit. But mostly it was a waste. I blame much of this on Ayn Rand (Go to this link and read a little. Can you say "opposite of what I REALLY believe but was brainwashed by for like at least a whole year"? If you are perceptive you might realize how truly scary she is and how much she is trying to destroy the world). More to come on that in a later post.

Anyway. Then the thing happened that changed my life. And my family is going to be probably annoyed because I talk about this a lot. But that's cause it changed my life. So stop being annoyed. Anyway. I got recruited to go sell educational products door to door for no guaranteed pay for this company called Southwestern by a lovely lady from Arizona named Kate Weeks. Can you say crazy?? Cause my parents could. And pretty much everyone else I knew. But I really followed my heart on this even though it scared. me. to. death. whenever I thought about it. Which was a lot. But I did it anyway. And for the first time I can say that I don't regret doing what I did. For once, I felt like I was working for something and getting it. And I worked really really hard. What happened is, the real me, the person that I had been trying not to be for so so long was revealed, cause every single time I got rejected by someone at the beginning it felt personal, and I would think "Huh. Well what if it's because of this, or this...?" and all my insecurities were revealed. I either had to get over them, or work with them. And I came out of this summer with about ten thousand times more confidence than I did before the summer. And I'm not lying or exaggerating. I refused to accept anything but the best for myself. I was no longer weak, or vulnerable, which are two things I was pretending I wasn't before, but really was. I all of a sudden got everything that I had ever wanted before, because I suddenly believed I could get them, and that I deserved to get them. I relied more on the Lord than I ever have before, mostly cause you wouldn't believe what leaving Utah does to you. More on that in later posts. And suddenly I was and am starving for anything gospel related and regret more than anything all those study classes and firesides where I sat there with a notebook and took anything but notes. My life is now full of light and confidence, and I know what I'm working towards. I'm done taking steps backwards and ready to remember what's really important. Really. I promise this time.

Anyway. There's my life history. Kind of. Hope you enjoyed it. Cause it's probably my Christmas present to you. Unless you're Nonie or Keenan or Samuel. Anyway. I loved this year. It's been the best of my life, and I know know know it's just uphill from here. I'm so grateful that I know what I want-- cause I have so many friends that have absolutely no idea what comes after this whole life thing, or what they're working toward. More on that in later posts. Anyway. I am working hard on having Christ-like attributes, and being more full of love for those around me more than anything. It's always been hard for me to see the best in people, but I pray for charity, and for more capacity for love every single time I pray. Anyway. I don't know how to end this. So I'll just put this awesome quote on.

"Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death."

Not that that has anything to do with anything I just said.
Except that it's true all the time. And awesome.
And yes I am going to end now. For real.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

2009-12-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

A few people have asked me what I thought of this book. And I

have to say it is one of the most original books I've ever read. I

feel like Jonathan Safran Foer has read into my soul. One of his

characters thinks so much like me. Which makes me feel less

alone (not that I'm trying to sound emo at all, but sometimes I

do feel a little alone, I'll admit). There are three points of view

in the story, the main one being a nine year old boy whose father

died in 9/11. It's all about his process of healing. The other two

are his grandparents (one of which he never met), and their

search for new lives after the day they lost everything. It is just

beautiful, and I think Foer effectively illustrates the kind of writer

that I want to be someday. He has grabbed hold of the way the

human mind works, and embodied the way that people interact,

and why they act that way. I highly recommend it.

(Disclaimer: There are a couple sexual descriptions included. But

they are very much minimized. Ask me where to skip on what

pages if you must.)

Jung Typology

2009-12-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

So I took this test online for my English class, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is reading this. It's almost creepy how accurate it was about me. If you're interested in me and you're trying to dig deep into my soul, please read on. If not, it's cool, but I'd stop here. Nevertheless go take the test. It's awesome. Trust me.
humanmetrics.com
Here's what it figures about me.
I= 22% Introverted (instead of Extroverted)
N= 50% Intuitive (instead of Sensing)
T= 38% Thinking (instead of Feeling)
J= 33% Judging (instead of Perceiving)
(There are different options for combinations of letters. That's what makes your results so fascinating. And the word "intuitive," or "judging" doesn't mean what you think it means in this test.)
To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

can't talk to you about cars, video games, makeup, science, architecture, math, sewing, hacking, how to get into a relationship with a person you like, fencing, drawing, different languages, how to fly planes, or scooter really fast, or execute the donald duck voice, plumbing, the stock market, design, luggage, sports, or very much having to do with politics.INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.yep.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.respect gone.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

definitely only do what i know. unfortunately.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.also unfortunately. all true.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.this is way too spot on. stupid flirting. and small talk. ew.
extremely private.
MAKE SENSE please. and please be reasonable. and direct. thank you.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.can accurately determine probable meanings.
bad at the empathy thing.
must make consistent and directed efforts to hone my ability to understand and support you.
yes to all of the above.

oh and it doesn't actually say this but I also have a big problem admitting that I'm wrong openly. i'm really teachable inside though.
Okay now go take it.

This is why I'm in love with Glee

2009-12-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

I'm with Tennyson

2009-11-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

How dull it is to pause, to make an end
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use
As tho' to breathe were life!
... Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that external silence
Some work of noble note may yet be done

...Come my friends
'T is not too late to seek a newer world
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson, Ulysses

I'm with Og

2009-11-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

I will love the light
for it shows me the way,
yet I will endure the darkness
for it shows me the stars.

- My forever favorite Og Mandino.

Please tell me that

2009-11-06T10:57:00.000-08:00

I AM NOT A JERK!

Thanks...

The Window Washer

2009-10-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

I have a crush on another fictional character dang it.

XKCD

2009-10-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

XKCD= easily the funniest comic strip ever.

Words that end in gry

Snakes on a Plane! 2

Reno Rhymes

Movie Seating

Diet Coke- Mentos

Hallucinations

Braille

Delicious

For more go to xkcd.com.

Gives Me Hope

2009-10-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have never seen anything as beautiful as this blogging type site. I get teary eyed after reading some of these. Read them! If anybody still reads MY blog. haha

http://www.givesmehope.com

Bridges burned.

2009-10-11T02:31:00.001-07:00

I don't like it when people walk out of my life without asking permission.

Cause you're gone. I get nothing. And you're off with barely a sigh. I never said goodbye.

Sometimes Dashboard Confessional just reads my mind.
And sometimes I wish my blog was anonymous.

For once I have no words for this.

Fall weather

2009-09-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

is my weather.

I want to take it and put it in a room. Then I just want to sit there and feel it.

Husband note

2009-09-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

My dearest, darling-est, dreamiest husband-to-be:

don't take me to the opera. don't have the ability to beat my father in chess. don't argue with me, have better points, and still let me win. don't watch the muppets with me. don't give me back-rubs and not make me give you one back. go ahead- snore and thrash in your sleep. cry openly during movies like Rudy or Old Yeller. be obsessed with sports. crack your knuckles. don't go to my high school reunions with me. don't have extensive knowledge about literature and classical music and be a cowboy at the same time. don't have your own, special phrases that only you say. sit around and do nothing a lot. don't think my sweatpants are hot. think my cabin is dull. use exclamation points way too much. listen to country music all the time. don't laugh at me when I'm trying to be funny. don't cook for me once a week. don't have the ability to throw great parties just because I can't. don't have a cute half smile or a raspy voice. play Halo. spike your hair every day. wear trucker hats. try to talk to me while I'm crying. be a gynecologist. be blonde. be a U2, Bob Marley, Pearl Jam, or hip-hop fan. don't be a perfect gentleman to my mother. don't wear white button-up shirts with jeans. don't be what I expect you to be- or not to be. i dare you. i'd like to see if this stuff is actually as important to me as I think it is.

The best blog.

2009-05-08T21:23:00.003-07:00

Okay so my absolute favorite blog I've ever seen in the history of this amazing little blogging world is this one. Go to it, and read all of them when you have a couple hours and nothing to do. It. is. Awesome. Do it for me. And for you.

http://1000awesomethings.com/

And don't skip any :)

Balloons :)

2009-05-04T19:33:00.001-07:00

Okay so I have this weird thing for pictures of balloons. They just make me smile for some reason. I've collected a few in the last couple months and here they are. Enjoy :D

*Sigh* Aren't they just so charming? :)

A Muse day

2009-04-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people don't answer their phones. Especially when I really need to talk to them.

Also I hate it when people just cannot say what they mean. I mean, say ANYTHING. But say what you mean dang it. Oh and also, think before you say THAT, too. Cause it might possibly hurt my feelings. Which makes me silently resent you.

Scared for my summer job much? Yeah...

And also, I am really really not looking forward to all these goodbyes that are ahead of me here.

Today= a Muse day. And I think we all know what that means.

Kate Marshall.

Dandelions...

2009-04-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

I don't get what is so wrong with Dandelions.
The only reason they bug anybody is because they didn't plant them themselves. But why does that matter? I think they're pretty. And I like blowing the blowy ones. And I like thinking that if I blow enough of them I WILL get married someday. :) And I like the color that they add to our drab, wretched lives. Anyway- I thought it was about time somebody defended them. They really are quite lovely.

Don't you think?

Things I've discovered about myself this year.

2009-04-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: I don't believe you just ARE the way you are. You create yourself. So this SHOULD be named something more like "Things I've decided about myself this year")

-- I'm a bit of a romantic- but I pretend I'm not so I don't look silly. -- I'm excellent at reading people. There's nothing as significant as a human face. Or as eloquent. I learned that this year. -- I am incredibly perceptive. And this may sound truly egotistical, but I don't really care. I know that I have a great understanding of people. It's just something I've been blessed with. -- I'm not as good a singer as I thought. I am dying to do what I am the best at and love the most, which is black people music (jazz, gospel, etc...). I don't know how much longer I can do this opera stuff. But I am really trying to stick with it... -- I only care whether the people that I love like me or not. I really couldn't care less whether anyone else does. -- I overestimate people a lot, and I consequently get disappointed. It's kind of turning me into a cynic. But as George F. Will said "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised."-- But I'm not really quite there yet... -- I love the art of graphic designers. My new hobby is looking at my graphic designing friends' blogs. I wish I was good at stuff like that... -- I am horrible at sharing. I'm not talking about stuff. But the things that I'm in love with. I want to take everything and everyone that I love and make a fortress and put them all in there and not let anybody else touch them or hurt them or love them. This is something I absolutely need to get over. The thing I'm scared of is that someone is just standing there, waiting to tear the thing I love out of my hands- and I'm afraid of people that way. I don't want to be forced to cringe and crawl and beg just so they'll let me keep it. -- I'm a jealous girl. Another thing I need to get over. -- I wish my voice wasn't the thing that defines me for other people. That's my most gotten compliment by 5 times. I just kinda wish people knew more about me, the real me. Not the me that is just a singer and that's all. -- It's easy for me to write from my heart. But very hard for me to speak from it. -- Once I'm convinced about what kind of a person you are, it's very difficult to change that. Probably another thing I need to fix. -- I am hopelessly flawed. -- I'm really bad at studying unless it's the day before the test... -- It's really easy for me to just let things roll off my back. I can't hold a grudge for more than like two days. Or it starts to be all I can think about, and I hate that. It's such a negative state of mind. -- I have to be very conscious of what my face looks like or I naturally look like I'm judging everybody. I need to smile far more than I do. Sometimes it really is an effort. -- When I don't get everything I want I try and think of all the things that I don't get that I DON'T want :D -- A lot of the time I let fear control me. -- I'd probably pretty much do ANYTHING for you. As long as it doesn't compromise my standards, or ruin my life in some way. But really, it's hard for me to say no. -- There is nothing that bugs me more than when someone is talking about something they don't know anything about. Oh- maybe besides personality leeches (Those are people that don't have their own personality so they take bits and pieces of everybody else's). That's very irritating as well. -- My favorite kind of weather is foggy, dark, rainy, thundery, pensive. -- I'm awesome at gangsta dancing. But only in sweats. -- I want to know that I'm going to die right before I die. I want to think "This is it. I'm going to die now." Is that weird? -- Sometimes I'm kind of boring. -- I'm really not good at video games. -- A couple dreams: To be amazing at guitar. To make an inspiring documentary. To sing with a really awesome jazz band. -- I laugh until I cry or pee my pants WAY too much. I love laughing :) And I love people that make me laugh. -- I am amazing at accents, and dramatic acting. Haha there's another cocky one for ya ;) -- I seek out movies, poems, books, and songs that make me cry. I love things that people pour their hearts into. I am very emotionally sensitive to that and it touches me. It happens quite a lot. I cried in Star Wars III and Brother Bear. That's how often it happens :D -- I take criticism well. And I welcome any that anyone might have to give me please. I love knowing what I need to improve. -- My weakness: A man that can sing. I mean really sing. -- I am in love with Jazz. And opera. And great lyrics. And acoustic guitar. And rain. And Ravel. And the banjo. And the Lux Aeterna. And Keith Kenley. -- I have realized that you really cannot do anything without the Father and Christ. I used to (and sometimes still do) try and do everything without them. But I know now how much I need them.*

So there ya go :) I'm sure you really didn't need to know this. But I wanted to write it down...
I adore the people that read my blog!

*The most important thing I've discovered this year.

These makes me happy :D

2009-03-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just adore whoever thought of this: Obama's Elf

Watch this: Mr. W

Hilarious if you know how to play Minesweeper: Minesweeper

Whatever happened to great stop action?: Wonderful Stop motion video

Absolutely the funniest commercial ever made. Watch that little boy: Raisin Brahms

Doesn't this just make you feel content and relaxed?: Moon River

And this is funny if you've ever seen the huka: Gingerbread men huka

If you don't think this is awesome, you are too old. Or young. Or scared of the world: Scary Poppins

Just another rad video somebody made: Bush and Blair

Men being Macho (Disclaimer: Sorry about the swear...): MANtage

I so want to do this someday. Check out improveverywhere.com. These guys do some crazy and totally brilliant stuff: Grand Central Freeze

Funny if you're from Utah, or you like Hitler: BYU loss

Claaaasic!: We're Sinking

And if you have the time: Green Beans Girl

I don't really know why I decided to share those with you. They're just some of my favs. Anyways- update on ME. Let's see, I am moving to Delaware this summer to work, so that's awesome. And ummm.... I go to sleep too late sometimes. All of my friends are going on missions. And I love Opera. The end.

"Oh simple thing, where have you gone?"-- Keane

Chchchchchanges!

2009-02-05T12:10:00.001-08:00

So pretty much these last two weeks have been the most self-analyzing filled weeks of my life. I have discovered things about myself that I never knew before, and some that I knew about, but that I had to be reminded of. I've been wanting to change, and become better much more than ever before lately. You know that voice that you pops into your head every once in a while that says, "What in the heck are you doing with your life? And what is the point of doing it? Don't you remember the reason you are here in the first place, Kate? Get with it lady." That little voice has come to me often lately, and it's not talking about anything pertaining to my major, or my hobbies, my eating habits, or anything else- it's talking about the gospel, and what I'm doing with all of the divine information that's been practically handed to me. And the thing is that I'm not really doing much..... well- not as much as I could be. I feel like I could be making such a difference, when here I'm just not bothering. I should be a better example to those around me, and try and share the truths I know with people I love that don't have it. The fact that I'm going to die someday and be ashamed of all the things that I did and ESPECIALLY didn't do should always be at the very top of my brain.

The purpose of my life. It's not to get to the very top of my profession (though it sure isn't discouraged), it's to be the absolute best person that I can possibly be. It's not to make as many friends as possible, and have them all be impressed with my high wit and good looks (bahaha), it's to have all the people that DO know me think "Wow, I am lucky to know a person like Kate Marshall. She has been a big influence in making me want to be a better, more awesome person." I don't want my every day to be a blur of a bunch of nothing. I want to do something that MEANS something. I want to help somebody. I want to die- and be able to say, "For the most part, I actually think I did a really good job down there." I've forgotten all this. All of my TRUE, REAL, MEANINGFUL goals. This life is so short- and the things we do every day don't seem like they would affect the big picture very much, but I think that you can do something positive every day and it will really affect what's to come in the next life. Every day matters. I forget it all the time. And I focus on all of the wrong things. And sometimes I just listen to the wrong voices. I am making a goal right now to stop doing this. I will not be sarcastic anymore, or mean in any way. It is not worth the laughs, and satisfaction that come from it. I am not going to do nothing with my life- in the way that it really matters. No more wasting time. No more purely selfish actions. No more torturing MYSELF in order to make a point to other people. No more losing the life in me whenever I'm in a bad mood. No more being passive about what I want, and what I need. Time to be open, and time to be disciplined. Because I'm running OUT of time. I want to finally be someone that people notice not because I am funny or awesome at what I do, but because I am genuine, sincere, kind, and worth-while- well... and maybe a little funny :)

Anyways- wow.... that was more tangential than you know! I did not think that was what I was going to post about today. It kinda just came out. But dang it feels good to have written it. Hmmm... I just hope that I really do actually do this.... And if I don't--I maintain the right for you to not hold this post against me in the future! But yeah, as the string beans girl says, "I'll tryyyyy!!!!"

My Very Best Friends

2009-01-02T14:56:00.001-08:00

So I decided it's time to blog again.

Also I decided it's time to blog about my best friends. They are a Rather Large influence in my life- I can't believe I haven't done it yet.

(Not in order of importance...)

KALLIE JOHNSON---

Kallie (Or as I call her, Kallie My Woman) has been my best friend for a year or so now. We've done about a million things together. Talked about everything ever. And I can hardly be myself around anyone better than I can around her. We think just the same way and I LOVE her. She goes to BYU Idaho right now, but isn't she pretty?

(Me and Kal after graduation)

ALYSSA ROBERTS---

Okay so Alyssa (Or as I call her Alyssa my Love) is my roommate and the interesting thing about us is that we didn't click at all at first. Actually I pretty much thought that she was a ditz (sorry Alyssa), but I have never gotten along better with anyone ever- and can't talk to ANYone the same way. She is just the most wonderful, deep person. And we connect in an amazing way. I actually don't even know how to expain it... That's how awesome it is. Oh well. Anyways- as we say when we have to part or stop talking to each other-- LOVE!

SARAH RIGBY---

Haha Sarah is also my roommate and she is just one of the most fun girls I know. We're both gangsta dancers and wish we were black. Whenever I feel like doing something crazy or funny Sarah is always there to leap at the chance do it with me! She is a hot babe. I ADORE being with her anytime I can. She is my chiquita banana! Love her!

(Kate, Alyssa, Sarah)

ABE COLLIER---

So the funny thing about Abe being my best friend is that he is also my cousin. But I don't love him because I HAVE to! I hate it when people say that. I love him because I do. Actually... why do I love him? I don't know. Haha But we have had a million adventures and he is just the most wonderful guy. Abe's always been there for me whenever I needed him to be. He is just a fantastic, supportive friend. He is on his mission right now in Spokane, Washington. And he is a really dedicated, hard-working missionary. But I miss him...

(This is kind of nast picture. But this is one of my favorite memories with Abe. California, baby!)

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." ~Aristotle

or, even better--

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. I am arrived at last in the presence of a man so real and equal, that I may drop even those undermost garments of dissimulation, courtesy, and second thought, which men never put off, and may deal with him with the simplicity and wholeness with which one chemical atom meets another." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love this quote.

And yeah... that's how it is.

Mind Control

2008-10-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Guess what. I have a new theory...

So I have this new thing where I believe that if you believe in something enough- it will happen. I know it sounds way cliche and lame, but I really think that a man could fly if he truly, without a doubt in any part of his mind, believed he could. The other day I was sitting with some friends in a basement and none of us had service. And we were talking about this- and then we all said "I am so glad that I have service right now." And all of a sudden we all had service. It was rad. And guess what. I used to be able to control the clouds. And don't you dare laugh because it's true! I was in like 4th grade- and when I didn't want it to rain I would tell the clouds to go back over the mountain and they did, without fail. Or if I wanted them to come- they would. And then, around the middle of my 5th grade year, I started to doubt that it was actually me that was doing it- and that it was just a coincidence. And guess what happened- it stopped working. Yup. And y'know how when you tell your mom that you are sick cause you don't want to go to school (not that I ever did that...) and then suddenly you really do feel sick? Yeah. Hmmm... I wonder if that works when you actually ARE sick and you don't WANT to be.

Pretty much, if this doesn't work for you it's because you haven't cleared every doubt from your mind that this thing you want to happen, is really going to happen. I struggle with that. But just remember that if it isn't working it's your fault. It doesn't mean that my theory is faulty. All that means is that you don't have good mind control.

Anyway- I kind of wanted to share this with the world. And also I like a little of the extra-terrestrial right now because I am SICK and TIRED of talking about politics dang it! I wish the second coming would just come so we wouldn't have to worry about stupid things like the economy and the environment and children getting corrupted at school. Yeah, so anyways- whoever is reading this- if anybody's reading this- you should try it. Cause I totally have a testimony of it. I'd work up to flying though, if I were you. :)

THE END

Mmmm... I know, right?

2008-09-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while...

And it's not because I've been busy. It's because I'm lazy. And cause I don't really know what to say. Actually that's not true. Probably about a trillion things have changed in my life. It's more like I don't know where to start. How about...

I LOVE college like Spongebob loves krabby patties. I don't even know how to tell you. I am now an Aggie. Not a TRUE Aggie. But still an Aggie. Actually I'm kind of hoping that my parents will pay me if I don't become a true Aggie. How bout it Mom and Dad?

My roommates are my favorite. Sarah is psycho, and super hilarious. She reminds me of me sometimes except boy crazy. Haha. Alyssa and I can talk in our minds. I especially love it when we both burst out laughing in the middle of other people's conversations together and they get confused. It's great. Three boys are in love with her. Camille is like my mommy. She always gives me a cookie when I am getting frustrated with my theory homework after five hours. Jackie is my room roommate. She is a senior and hila-freakin-larious. But you have to kind of get it out of her. She's been dating the same guy for three years and she goes to be with him in Provo every single weekend. Yeah. Holly is very sweet. And she loves to bake things and is very fun to be around. I love them.

I hate Orchestra. And Theory. And Science.

But I looove my Opera class, and I'm good at Aural skills so I like it. And I like choir. And my voice teacher is freaking the best voice teacher in the whole United States. I love her.

Okay I'm sure this is getting really boring, but I just felt bad for never blogging since like a month ago. I'm sure you're all DYING to know what's going on in my life!! If you want to know the cool stuff though you should call me and I'll tell you cause I can't exactly put it all on here. Yeah... that's it.

Unabashed Forthrightness-- sometimes. Maybe...

2008-07-31T12:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that I could just be open to everybody. I don't know- but my mind says something to the effect of "Oh Kate, don't tell that nice person something personal about yourself. They might laugh at you. Or maybe they'll go and tell everybody else. Or maybe if you tell them this secret, sacred thing they will hate you forever and ever and ever and take it out on your children and their children will take it out on your children's children and it will just be the Montagues and the Capulets all over again except without all the men wearing tights, short skirts, puffy sleeves, and berets. Too bad. Sometimes I like those outfits, but oh it definitely depends on the man. Like Brian Vaughn any day..." Yup- that's what my mind says. And sometimes maybe some of those things might happen, specifically the ''maybe they'll go and tell everyone else.'' But you know what- I think that people like you more if you are willing to take confidence in them. At least I know that the people I am closest to are the ones that have no fear in telling me their deepest, darkest secrets- and I don't fear telling them mine in return. In fact, I love no one more than those very few people. So I think that from now on I will not be afraid to disclose the thoughts of my soul to certain people that deserve it. But not the people that have a rather massive background of gossiping. No sir. Gee, I hope that I'll be able to decipher between the two groups... there's the rub.

The Dentist

2008-07-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

Okay venting time.

So I went to the dentist two days ago and I don't even think I even went through so much pain when I got my wisdom teeth out. The woman was like Attila the Hun! While she was just chatting along and expecting me to answer all of her useless questions that I've answered ten million times in my life- she was just completely disregarding the fact that there was a large contraption causing unnecessary and distressing amounts of pain to my mug. How in the world am I supposed to talk about how I feel about going to college when she's scraping along the backside of my teeth- and all I want to do is cry. And then afterward I honestly couldn't move my face- or eat anything. I am never going back there. Ever. Ever. Ever. And no one can make me.

(This is not a picture of me)

2008-07-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my first blog as those few intelligent ones of you may be able to see, and I will just admit right now that I don't really understand this whole blogging thing. I know that I can't tell a bunch of stuff about the people in life and how I feel about them because they might see and I'd probably be really embarrassed because I'm not open like that. However much I wish that I was. I could talk about me teaching violin but that's boring. So I guess that I'll just talk about my random thoughts, and maybe if I am feeling especially dangerous and risky I will talk about people. But I'll probably only say good things because I wouldn't want to make them feel bad. Is anyone even reading this? Oh well, I guess I don't care. I'm having fun rambling. Now I think I know why these are called "blogs." Because all you do is go "blah, blah." hahahahah.....ha.

Oh I almost forgot- some of you might be wondering why I named my blog "Dancing Through Life." This is because I WISH that I was dancing through life- but the fact of the matter is that I am and may always be a non-dancer. But I'm dancing in my heart!! So there Ms. Belnap. That's all folks.